Uncle Jack belongs Outback
so when he comes to visit,
he brings along his kangaroo
and Bert, his blue-tongue lizard.
He decorates the Christmas tree
with lots of slimy critters,
and when he turns the lights up high
he makes snakeburger fritters.
He also brings his cattle dog –
it bites off postie’s limbs.
On Christmas Eve it stays awake
howling sacred hymns.
Uncle carves the turkey up,
(half for him and half for pup)
and when it’s time to have dessert
he swipes my share to give to Bert!
His kangaroo sits at the table,
on the lap of Auntie Mabel.
It chews away on Christmas cake
and Auntie’s finger(by mistake).
After lunch Jack tells us that
He’ll show us how to shear the cat.
His presents bring us added gloom,
a gift-wrapped spider’s in my room.
His boomerang display is free
it’s always a catastrophe.
He throws it with a cocky leer,
it wedges in old Grannie’s ear.
The police are called to have a chat.
They ask about the crewcut cat.
And so it’s time to say goodbye,
a tear wells up inside his eye,
he gushes like a broken drain,
we have to push him on the train.
And Uncle Jack returns Outback,
with dog and roo and lizard,
and it only takes us til July
to recover from his visit.
© Bill Condon
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