Retractable Teeth

Imagine, my friend…if you please, if you will…

That teeth were attached to your gums with great skill

By elastic – retractable, spit-proof and strong –

So that when they were wobbly, they’d not wobble long…

That the mean, ancient aunt who with glee and guffaw

Recommends that you tie your poor tooth to the door

With some cotton, then slams that old door with a bang!

Would faint dead away as your tooth, with a twang,

Zoomed back to your mouth in its boomerang way

Ready to chomp, munch and gobble all day.

Imagine, my friend… if you will, if you please…

That your teeth could extend down as far as your knees.

You could sit at the table with very straight back

Crunching secret supplies that were down in your lap.

And your mum, for whom manners at table are utmost,

Has cooked, let’s imagine, a nice, healthy nut-roast,

With no earthly clue that her child, yes, that’s you…

Is secretly eating the worst kind of goo.

The sugar, the colour, the taste, oh so yummy!

Is chomped in your lap, then transferred to your tummy.

Imagine, my friend… if you please, one last time…

That your teeth – so retractable, yes, so sublime –

Were immune, nay impervious, to plaque and to grot

And were teeth, everlasting, that just couldn’t rot,

So that if you ate junk, and let’s face it, you would,

Your teeth would stay healthy; your breath would stay good.

And your dentist, with beam fit to light up her clinic

Would trumpet your praise: ‘The example to mimic!’

Wouldn’t you grin at your photo beneath

Her new dentistry ad for Retractable Teeth?

Kesta Fleming