Humungous Fungus by Pat Simmons

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Humungous Fungus is among us
and it’s rather smelly.
It slowly creeps between your toes
then right up to your belly.

It can be blue but when it’s pink
it gives off such an awful stink.
Sometimes it floats down in the breeze
and leaves great blobs on both your knees.

When it sparkles like a fairy
then you must be very wary.
If it waves its magic wand
you’ll smell like slime from next door’s pond.

Beware if Fungus goes to school.
It doesn’t care who looks a fool.
Your teacher might get quite a shock
if Fungus hides inside his sock.

If poor grandma, while she’s sitting
concentrating on her knitting,
notices a sudden pull,
it’s Fungus climbing up her wool.

Even Mum must be quite careful.
She might cop a blobby hair full
if she happens to be shopping
right where Fungus slime is dropping.

Family pets should run and hide.
‘Cos Fungus loves to slip and slide
into kennels, baskets, cages,
sending critters into rages.

But Fungus loathes a water spray.
So get yourself one right away
and squirt that fiend with all your might.
You’ll be a hero overnight.

Image from Pixabay

Frog Pie: fun and games in the 16th Century by Pat Simmons

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Poor Cook is in a tizzy. What on earth is she to do?
So many guests to cook for, all lords and ladies too.
Dear Cook, prepare the finest food, the finest you are able.
And don’t forget your special pie to decorate our table.

Frog pie? Frog pie. What a funny sight.
Trim the top and out they hop to give the guests a fright.
The ladies shriek, the gents guffaw.
A trick, a joke, a jest.
Oh please, please do invite us back.
Your banquets are the best.

Poor Cook is in a tizzy. What on earth is she to do?
So many guests to cook for, all lords and ladies too.
Dear Cook, prepare the finest food, the finest you are able.
And don’t forget your special pie to decorate our table.

Turtles? Turtles in the pie, swimming in the dish.
They splash about then clamber out to go in search of fish.
The ladies shriek, the gents guffaw.
A trick, a joke, a jest.
Oh please, please do invite us back.
Your banquets are the best.

Poor Cook is in a tizzy. What on earth is she to do?
So many guests to cook for, all lords and ladies too.
Dear Cook, prepare the finest food, the finest you are able.
And don’t forget your special pie to decorate our table.


Blackbirds? Blackbirds in the pie escaping everywhere.
Four and twenty, maybe more, fluttering in the air.
The ladies shriek, the gents guffaw.
A trick, a joke, a jest.
Oh please, please do invite us back.
Your banquets are the best.

Poor Cook is in a tizzy. What on earth is she to do?
So many guests to cook for, all lords and ladies too.
Dear Cook, prepare the finest food, the finest you are able.
And don’t forget your special pie to decorate our table.
‘That’s it!’ cries Cook, ‘I’ve had enough.
I’m tired of all this jest.
Today I’m baking pumpkin pies
For each and every guest.’

Mmmm Delicious!

Image from Pixabay

Authors note: Long, long ago during the 15 th and 16 th centuries ‘Animated Pies’ were a popular form of
entertainment among the ‘Upper Crust’ i.e. the posh people. The pie shell would be pre-
baked and cooled. Then live animals were placed inside to pop out at the banquet table and
surprise the guests.
(Please note that no animals were harmed during the writing of this poem.)

A Christmas Poem by Pat Simmons

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Cautiously, creeping down the stairs,

carefully avoiding the creaks,

we stop and take each others hand.

At the bottom we tiptoe, trembling,

towards the door.

Almost afraid to breathe

we slowly, gently, push it open.

Beneath the twinkling lights sit the gifts.

‘He’s been!’ we whisper. ‘He’s been!’

“Alphabet Acrostic” by Pat Simmons

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“Choosing Shoes” by Pat Simmons

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Choosing Shoes

 

Gum boots when it’s raining

Sports shoes when I’m training

Sparkly shoes for dancing

Riding boots for prancing

Sandals for a summer’s day

High heeled shoes for dress up play

Then sadly comes that time of year

When Mum says, ‘Let’s go shopping dear.

Your feet keep growing, time to choose

A nice new pair of (yuk!) School Shoes.’

 

“New Growth” by Pat Simmons

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Nature’s

Energy

Weaves carpets of

Green with

Ribbons

Of rainbow colours

Wrapping

The world with

Hope.

“A Letter from the Principal” by Pat Simmons

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Dear Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith,

I’m writing you this letter

because your son’s behaviour

isn’t getting any better.

 

His writing is untidy and

his spelling is a worry.

He’s often late and consequently,

always in a hurry.

 

His recent science project

nearly caused a school disaster.

The explosion covered twenty boys

in clouds of ceiling plaster.

 

He’s been with us for twenty years,

or is it twenty two?

Dear Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith,

just what are we to do?

 

He’s untidy and he’s silly

and he always acts the fool,

but still the students say he’s

the best teacher in our school.

“Blue Tongue Tales” by Pat Simmons

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Blue Tongue Tales

In a warm suburban garden the blue tongue lizards meet

to talk about the goings on up and down the street.

Other creatures listen, green tree frogs and snails.

Possums peek between the leaves to hear the blue tongue tales.

 

What about young Billy Blue Tongue? They say he’s running wild.

He won’t go hunting with his Dad. He is a lazy child.

He sneaks up to the humans’ house at number forty-four

and eats the cat’s food from its dish – yes right outside their door.

 

‘My Tim hangs out at thirty-seven,’ Mrs. Tree Frog said,

‘they play loud music which he loves. He just won’t come to bed.

He hip hops up and down their path, the silly little joker.

The problem is he wants to be a rapper, not a croaker.’

 

By now a crowd has gathered to join in the conversation.

‘Without a doubt our children are the Urban Generation,’

sighs Mrs. Barbara Bandicoot whose wayward daughter, Lou

has dug a deep and messy hole at number twenty-two.

 

In a warm suburban garden the blue tongue lizards meet

to talk about the goings on up and down the street.

Other creatures listen, green tree frogs and snails.

Possums peek between the leaves to hear the blue tongue tales.

“Choosing Shoes” by Pat Simmons

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Choosing Shoes

Gum boots when it’s raining

Sports shoes when I’m training

Sparkly shoes for dancing

Riding boots for prancing

Sandals for a summer’s day

High heeled shoes for dress up play

Then sadly comes that time of year

When Mum says, ‘Let’s go shopping dear.

Your feet keep growing, time to choose

A nice new pair of (yuk!) School Shoes.

 

“The Visit” by Pat Simmons

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The Visit

Cautiously, creeping down the stairs,

carefully avoiding the creaks,

we stop

and take each other’s hand.

At the bottom we tiptoe,

trembling,

towards the door.

Almost afraid to breathe

we slowly, gently, push it open.

Beneath the twinkling lights

sit the gifts.

‘He’s been,’ we whisper

‘He’s been.’